these are the days when i feel that the world is in slow motion.  everything is dull, i can't see even a single vibrant color.  i go through everyday just the same.  nothing new, nothing bold, nothing exciting.  every morning i wake up, go to school, go home, watch tv, then go to sleep.

the colors around me are starting to be dull... i am afraid one day all i can see is black and white, all i can taste is bitter, all i can hear is silence, all i can feel is nothing...  i am afraid, to tell you.  i am afraid of what can happen, of what's to come, or even who's to come. 

when i was a kid, i used to be carefree.  i didn't care if life is good or harsh.  that's because life wasn't harsh back then.  life was beautiful.  life was not about problems, dilemmas, failures, etc.  as i grow old, life became more complex everyday.  gradually, i felt the weight of the responsibilities attached to growing old.  i felt the pressure of the people around me.  i saw the things i didn't see before.  it was not a pleasant sight. 

of course, i also felt that life is good.  as i grow, i developed different friendships.  my network of friends grew and is continuing to grow.  i felt blessed to feel their love, presence and concerns.  everytime a friend opens up to me or shares his/her problem with me, i felt good.  the fact that they chose to share their problems or angsts with me made me feel important.

but hey, life isn't all about friendship, loving family, ups and downs, truimphs, failures and responsibilities, right? i am missing something.  life is also about love.  silly as it may sound, we cannot ignore the fact that we are all hopeless romantics in our own ways.  we dream of the perfect guy/girl.  we wait for the right one.  but, is there really a perfect one for us? should we really wait or should we go out there and find him/her?

as for me, i have also loved and lost, sadly.  i wanted everything to be right so bad that i ended up losing all.  they say it was his fault, not mine.  but i tried to think that it was not all his fault.  i tried to think of the things that led to this.  i thought hard until it hit me.  i am to be blamed also.

the reason is because i am AFRAID.  i am afraid to show emotions, affections, and my real self.  i observed that i am not the type of person that says what she feels, or does what she wants to do.  i thought that i was using my heart over my mind.  i thought wrong.  it turned out that i am a mind person.  i always think before i do something.  i always think of what other people might think if i do this or if i do that.  i thought i was using my heart in making decisions, but i was wrong.  all this time, i was ignoring my heart just because i thought i was making the right decisions.

i had to hit rock bottom to realize these things.  suddenly, i thought that i was like a robot all this time.  i never thought of what i really want.  i always think of what my family wants or what they say is right.  its not that i blame my family, its just that i have not spoken of what i really want.  i realized that all this time, i was afraid to make decisions of my own.  i was afraid of speaking up for what i want.

i think its because my family loved me so much that they were afraid i might make the wrong decisions.  back when i was choosing a course to pursue in college, they were the ones who chose my course.  i always wanted to pursue engineering.  but they insisted on me taking up physics or math because these were my highest grades in my report card.  i didn't even try to convince them.  i just followed them.

the only desicion that i made and am proud of is when i decided to apply in PMA.  i told them i wanted to take the entrance exam.  fortunately, they agreed.  and i can tell, i really was determined.  i realized that i excel or do good in the things that i want. 

at a young age, i am not really worthy of saying that life is beautiful.  i am only 19.  i have not yet experienced and lived life to its fullest.  but i can proudly say that now, i am not afraid anymore.  hey, why should i be afraid? after all, i have the best family anyone can ever have and i have the most amazing and wondelful circle of friends.  last but certainly not the least, i have the One up there looking after me and always beside me in everything i do. 

CONSTANTINE was a great movie.  that's all i can say. grabe, ang galing ni keanu reeves.  he was very fit for the character.  tulad ni rachel weisz, ang galing ng team up nila. though wala naman masyadong love story na lumutang, magaling ang naging combination nilang dalawa.

in the movie, mauungkat ang mga alam ng viewers tungkol kay GOD. di lang tungkol sa kanya, pati kay Lucifer at sa mga alagad nya. ang ganda ng effects.  dun lang ako nakakita ng vivid depiction of what hell really is. 

si CONSTANTINE kasi ay isang exorcist.  in the beginning of the movie, may pinuntahan syang teenage girl na sinapian ng demonyo.  eto pa, kung tama ang pagkakarinig ko, Filipino family yung pinuntahan nya. nasabi ko yun because of two things: nung kinausap nya yung girl na sinasapian, ang sabi sa kanya, "patayin natin sya" tapos nung naalis na yung spirit sa kanya, maririnig sa background yung sinabi ng nanay, "ano bang nangyari sa 'yo?".

yun, e kung tama ang pagkakadinig ko.  kasi nung narinig nung ibang nanonood, umingay ng konti sa moviehouse.  siguro nagtatanungan din sila kung Tagalog ba yung sinasabi ng family.

sulit ang money kapag nanood ng CONSTANTINE.  ang ganda ng story, ng effects, ng characters, lahat nagsama sama kaya ang ganda ng kinalabasan. 

he never knew what he wanted until he learned to dance...

she never knew she can move on until he met him...

they never knew their lives could be changed by dancing...

ang ganda ng movie.  a heartwarming story of different people whose lives were changed by their passion in dancing.  richard gere play as john clark, a workaholic who goes about the same routines everyday.   until he saw paulina (lopez) staring outside from a dance studio.  he then jumped off the train and signed up for a dance lesson.

he started the lessons and went home late every wednesdays.  when her teacher signed them up for a competition, he started coming home late almost every night.  his wife then, becomes suspicious and hired a detective to uncover a hidden affair.  but, she discovered his passion for dancing.

ilang beses tumulo ang luha ko sa movie.  ang ganda kasi.  the good part is, hindi sya heavy drama dahil may comedy din.  i suggest you watch it.  ganda ng story. 

di ko rin mapapalampas ang line ni susan sarandon (who plays as gere's wife) about marriage:

"you marry because you want someone to be a witness to your life, because you want someone to tell you that your life does not go unnoticed..."

when i was young, i felt very excited everytime Feb. 7 draws near.  i never failed to celebrate my birthday every year.  may bisita man o wala. 

pero today, di na ko masyado excited.  maybe because i am turning 19.  i am a year older yet, i feel like i have changed a lot since last year.  di man sa labas, i think i changed on the inside.  ewan, pero i have observed some changes in the way i think and the way i reason. 

of course, text messages came flooding.  umaga pa lang, busy na ang cell ko.  every friend from gradeschool to college sent their own greetings.  it was fun to read all those messages greeting me a happy birthday ang wishing me all the luck.  ang sarap ng feeling na naalala ka nila.  pati mga old friends, di rin nagpatalo at nagparamdam.  that night, matutulog na lang ako, may humabol pa.  ang sweet kasi, she really planned to text me late that night so that her greetings would be memorable.

anyway, anyone who celebrates his/her birthday never fails to have a wish or two.  for me, alam nyo na yun.  christmas pa lang wish ko na yun.  hanggang new year at ngayon.  pati sa chinese new year, yun pa din ang wish ko.  syempre, ang pumasa sa PMA... 

sometimes i have this feeling of hate.  i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate everything.  i just can't figure out what's wrong with me.  i guess its just one of my mood swings.  i have this feeling that something is missing.  i think i'm living in a world where i don't belong.

though i have friends, family, and myself i still feel that there's something i'm missing.  i just can't tell what it is.

maybe i just have to go on living and just make the best of everything.  maybe i just have to know my priorities and change my ways.  maybe there's just something out there waiting to happen.  maybe i'm not satisfied with my life...

aarrgghhhh... full of maybe's...

i hate it!

the feeling sucks, to tell you the truth.  there you are, feeling anxious of what's going to happen next.  the bad thing is, all you see ahead of you is darkness.  you can't see what's ahead.  you can not possibly go back.  so what do you do?  you just stay there.  wait for the path to be clear or something to light your path. 

i tell you, the fact that you can not see what's ahead is very scary.  the sad part is, there is nothing you can do but wait.  wait for something to happen.  wait for someone to come.  until then, all you can do is WAIT.. uurghh...

I have always adored them. they come in different colors and different shapes. you can see them in tropical green, blue, white or even in camouflage uniforms. whatever it is, I still adore these men, or even women, in uniforms. 

I adore them in a way that I want to be just like them. I have always wanted to wear ellegant uniforms. I remember when I was still in gradeschool, I used to be a majorette in our school's drum and lyre band.  I remembered how I loved to wear my uniform.  I even loved our training, even the way we stand and the way we dress were observed.  we used to wear a short skirt with a bloomer underneath and a knee-high boots.  we were not allowed to wear stockings.  we were trained to flaunt our legs and be confident to execute our routines gracefully.  I recalled how one of my co-majorette was not allowed to join the parade when she wore a pair of stockings.ü

I also recall the time when I saw the very first batch of women who graduated in the Philippine Military Academy.  I was in gradeschool then. their uniforms were very very cool.  I told myself that someday I also want to wear that same kind of uniform. and now, I am only waiting for the news if I am blessed enough to wear one...

though there are many news and issues about women joining these kind of institution, I am not discouraged by them. my mind is really set on joining them.  in fact, if ever I will fail my application this year I will apply again next year. and that's for sure.

I was on the net last night.  I was blog hopping when i decided to visit my account sa Friendster.  as usual ang daming naka-post na mga bulletin. these past few weeks, di na din ako masyadong nag-oopen ng bulletins.  dami kasing chain letters na nananakot pa kapag di mo sinunod.  ako naman si matatakutin. minsan nadadala ako...

anyway, isang friend ang nag-link ng isang website that determines how old people think.. you just have to answer a few questions and submit them.  after a few moments, they will tell you kung anong age ka-mag isip...

I had mixed emotions when i received the results. it turned out that I think like a 22-year old person. ako ba ito? di ko alam kung matatawa ako o maiinis. ewan, natuwa ako sa naging result. medyo flattered dahil mature na ko mag-isip.  on the other hand, I can't help but wonder if the test was really reliable. 

so i tried to go on and browsed at other posted messages.  another friend linked a site about a certain slogan generator.  you just have to key in your name and they will generate a slogan for you... so i tried typing my name. nagandahan ako dun sa unang slogan: "Does she or doesn't she? Only Erika knows for sure."  ang ganda! so i tried typing my name again for another slogan.  dun na sumemplang: "Once you pop, you can't stop Erika."  grabe, ginawa akong Pringles! natawa ako sa result...

in my stay sa v.luna medical center, dami kong nakilalang mga friendly friends.  medyo sad dahil tatlo lang kaming girls na nag-report nung week na yun.  kaya ayun, nagba-bounce kami sa barracks ng female cadets. ahehehe...

warm naman ang pagtanggap sa min. akala ko nga mag-isa lang akong babae na magrereport eh... wait lang babae nga ba ako? wahehehe...

nung first day, syempre di pa namin kilala ang bawat isa.  nag-fill out lang kami ng mga forms na sandamakmak. nakakapagod at nakakagutom pero ok lang. it turned out na puro second timers din tulad ko yung mga ka-batch ko. isa nga sa kanila, ka-batch ko din last time na nagreport ako sa v.luna.  saturday group nga lang sya tapos sunday group ako. dun ako nakakita ng connection sa mga male candidates na ka-group ko.

nung second day, buong araw din kaming nagsasagot ng exams para sa neuro-psychiatric (NP) part.  medyo nakipagkilala na kami sa mga ka-group namin.  di naging mahirap sa kin makipagkilala sa mga male candidates.  sanay na ko na puro lalake ang mga kasama ko dahil sa training ko sa ROTC.  sa ROTC nga nabigay yung bansag sa kin na "bakla" dahil one of the boys daw ako.  yung 2 girls na kasama ko, medyo ilag pa. kaya medyo nasasama ako sa kanila pag humihiwalay sila sa mga lalake.

simula ng 3rd day, medyo nakakabiruan na namin yung mga lalake.  ang kukulit! kapag free time namin, nakatambay lang kami sa labas tapos nakikipagtawanan sa kanila. dun na kami naging close ng mga ka-group ko.  mga lalake, makulit pero mga gentlemen at mga supportive.  masaya silang lahat kasama.

imagine, one week mong makakasalamuha ang mga taong ngayon mo lang nakilala.  buong one week sila lang ang mga makakausap mo.  yun ang naging dahilan kung bakit di imposibleng maging close kayo.  like this one amazing person na nakilala ko. di ko inakalang magiging close ako sa kanya to the point na di na ko nailang ipakita sa kanya na umiiyak ako.

yup, masaya kung masaya sa v.luna pero may mga times na ite-test ang tatag mo. may mga times din na mararamdaman mo na down ka talaga.  yun yung mga times na makakakilala ka ng mga kaibigan na andyan para sa iyo kahit down ka. 

i was lucky i met someone who never failed to cheer me up.  in one week ang dami kong natutunan sa kanya.  advices in life, military stuff, katatawanan, etc. i am really thankful na nakilala ko siya.  naging isa siya sa mga close friends ko kahit 1 linggo lang kaming nagkakilala.  lagi kasi siyang nandyan para samahan ako, laging andyan para magbigay ng payo. 

bihira ang mga taong tulad niya.  kaya napakaswerte ko nakilala ko siya.  kung sakaling mabasa mo ang entry ko na 'to, wala kong ibang gustong sabihin kundi "thank you" sa lahat lahat.

sa iba ko pang mga naging kaibigan, slamat sa opportunity na makilala kayo. kina edjil, byron, caloi, madz, miggie, "taguro", lloyd, ian, sonny, at sa lahat ng sunday group, salamat sa friendship. (tama ba ang grammar? ahehehe).  i wish you all good luck!  sana magkita kita uli tayo sa march 31.  salamat sa inyong lahat!

sobrang maga ng jaws ko... huhuhu... sa wakas natanggal na rin ang dalawang impacted tooth ko!!! yehey!!! pero, masakit, di ako makatawa... ako ba 'to? pero pagdating ko sa bahay, kumain agad ako ng ice cream!! di ko inakalang irereseta ng dentista ang ice cream. yum, hehehe...

medyo nag-feeling baby naman ako dahil di pa ko pwedeng kumain ng solid foods. ahehehe... syempre puro soup lang ang diet ko these days...

haay, in fairness ang bilis ng operation! in just 20 minutes tanggal yung 2 ngipin! to think na nakabaon sa gums yung mga ngipin! medyo mabigat nga lang ang kamay nya pero, OK lang. basta ba wala na kong defficiency sa medical ko. ( cross our fingers!!!)

hmmm... miss na miss ko na mga friends ko sa peyups!! at syempre namimiss ko na din mga friendly friends ko sa v.luna! huuhuhu... miss ko na kayong lahat... sana makapasa kaming lahat sa PMA!